Birthday Apologies

My birthday was yesterday, February 28. I am now 27 years old and am certainly feeling older than I was.

Last night, I experienced something I had never experienced before -- and apparently, in the experience, I upset some of my friends and people I care about.

I have always said that I don't get drunk. Almost everyone who has ever partied with me knows this -- and most people will vouch for me, as I can generally go drink for drink with them.

But I guess I was wrong, because last night, I was not well. Maybe it was the mixing of alcohol types, maybe it's that last week I only slept a total of 7 hours and so my system was weak, but whatever it was, I experienced what everyone else has been talking about. And I didn't like it.

And in my first REAL omg-I-drank-so-much-that-I'm-sick experience, which was quite embarrassing, I found that I hurt some of the people who attended. (I did get sick recently once before this -- but I wasn't drunk. I just didn't feel well in general... this time, I was completely gone.)

It came across that I didn't care people had come to celebrate with me because I often wasn't in the party room with everyone. I stayed outside of the room for the majority of the time... either sleeping at the table outside, sitting on the bathroom floor, and for a time, was in another room altogether as a friend of mine was having a going-away party since he flew out today to move to the mainland, never to return. I also worried people and inconvenienced those who decided to take it upon themselves to take care of me.

I want people to know that I did appreciated that you were there to celebrate with me. And that I'm sorry for my non-presence, both physically and mentally.

There is no excuse in what is or isn't done when under the influence, even though what's said and done isn't in right mind. So, I will not make excuses for anything I did or didn't do that may have upset my friends and loved ones.

Instead, I'm just going to say I'm sorry for upsetting, worrying, hurting you and I love you.

/me.

Sacrifice

It's been nearly 3 months since I last blogged. Needless to say, my world hasn't stopped moving -- it's still spinning out of control.

Changes and challenges, irritations and frustrations.

Most recently, what's been hard for me is the change to that which I cling to -- my freedom.

For the last 9 years, I've not lived with my family. I've lived abroad, in dorms, with friends, with significant others... as I've mentioned on multiple occasions, as much as I love my family, being in close-proximity with them is unhealthy for me. The freedom and mobility that I didn't have when I was younger is something I value above many things now -- and I was asked at the end of December to give much of that up.

My grandmother on my dad's side, on Christmas Eve, fell. She, until then, with the exception of taking a reaaaaally long time to walk anywhere due to Arthritis-ravaged knees, was still rather sprite and active. She drove. Went to weekly water exercise classes. Cooked. Whatever.

The fall was the beginning of a significant downturn in her mobility and she is now bed-ridden. As such, she needs 24-hour care -- she needs diapers and bed-baths. She needs to care-taking. And unfortunately, our family cannot afford to have outside help significant enough to not truly disrupt our schedules... so my dad asked me to move in and help.

Give up my apartment. Give up going out. Give up freedom. In exchange for a curfew, zero privacy, and no sleep.

I didn't jump at the opportunity. I said yes because I have a sense of familial obligation... and because I knew I didn't have much choice in the matter since we're financially unable to hire the help for the number of hours I am expected to cover.

So, I moved out of my apartment of 4 years and into my grandmother's house in Manoa. And I try to be home by 10 pm, daily, so that I can take care of her evening needs. And I wake up several times throughout the night to check on her. And the only other person who is making any kind of significant sacrifice is my dad -- who, at this point, has it worse off than I do in terms of lack of freedom.

And you know what? It sucks and it isn't fair for any of us involved (dad, grandma, or me).

Grandma deserves the best care possible -- not whatever it is her tired son and selfish granddaughter can provide. Daddy deserves to SLEEP -- he works overnight and has to be awake throughout the day to give her lunch/dinner and meet with the care-people who visit. And honestly, I think I deserve to play.

I've always tried never to be jealous of my friends, but as of late, I find that I get more and more upset when I look at their lives compared to mine. Many of them have honestly had it easy (at least through my eyes) -- they are well-off or have rarely had to struggle financially for anything as their families can provide for them. Heck some of them don't work. And many haven't really had to sacrifice... ever.

And while my life isn't horrible at all -- especially when I think of all the people in the world who know nothing of the luxuries that I have -- I still get jealous that it seems like I've worked so much harder than so many people and yet, I keep struggling and keep having to sacrifice.

My dad understands that I need any possible shred of freedom I can get my claws on and he pays for someone to come in a few times a month so that I can go out with friends and forget for a bit. I wish I could give him that same courtesy.

But frankly, I'm tired and frustrated with it all.
And it's only been a month and a half.
And I keep asking myself...

How much longer do we have to do this?

My grandma is healthy, short of the lack of mobility. No eating restrictions. No mental health issues. Nothing. She'll be 90 later this year and she could live another 10 years!

But I can't last 10 years doing this.
I don't know if I could even last one.

But... with no other obvious outs...

/me.

Everything Changes

My world is changing at a million miles a minute and I'm trying my best to keep up.

As many of you know, Yoshi and I are no longer together. It's complicated and despite what his blogs may say, the hurtfulness and "wrong-doing" goes in both directions. There is no one person to blame, although in many ways, I do believe a lot of what's happened is my fault. Of course, he would say otherwise.

We're still trying to maintain some kind of relationship. Right now it's a strange muddle of "we're 'friends'" and "i still care for you" and "rawr, death!"

In 2004, we bought a car together: a black, 2004 VW Jetta that we named Kuro-chan. Only recently did we pay off the loan. To be honest, he paid for the majority of it as I always took care of the rent, so when we split up, I said I felt best if he took the car. So, currently, I am rideless save for a little red bicycle that I use to go to work and to the grocery store down the street. I didn't think having no car would be too bad -- enter economy-driven changes at work.

The Honolulu Advertiser recently went through another series of early buyouts, lay offs, departmental realignments and they're now eying up significant pay cuts. I'm lucky to still be there, considering how many people are no longer with the company. This last bit of departmental restructuring affected my position as Online Coordinator and I will be moving into a Digital Media Sales role to help drive revenue. The change is effective immediately and will actually be a good opportunity for me in terms of my financial situation (of course, assuming that the proposed pay cuts do not come to fruition). However, to use a phrase that my friend Vraxx always uses, "the gotcha is..." that in order for me to do this job -- I need to have a car.

Did I just say that I need a car and I currently don't have one due to my personal relationship issues? Did I just say that this change is effective immediately?

*blink* Uh-oh.

So now, I'm on a car search. Gotta spend money to make money, right? And I think I found one that I like. Now it's just a matter of qualifying for a loan and convincing the dealership that they love me enough to give me a really great deal on the car. Thankfully, my year and some change of working closely with the various dealerships on the island via being the local Cars.com technical support contact may aid me in this.

But I need to buy a car... now.

Furthermore, with all the changes at work, plus the uncertainty of more imminent layoffs and a possible pay cut of 31.5% looming over us, it make for some very unhappy coworkers and sometimes, an extremely stressful and frustrating work environment.

Emotional stress. Work stress. Financial stress. Not happy.

I know that what I need to do is roll with the punches and move forward. I know that 我慢するしかない。頑張るしかない。But I think I'm actually having a hard time of all the changes. And as is typical of me, I'm not good at seeking help. I'd rather withdraw and stew a bit and give myself time to process all the issues at hand -- then force myself to accept and move forward.

But first, I need to get used to the fact that I'm still standing still while everything else in the world is changing.

Then once everything stops spinning, I can try to catch up with the rest of the world.

/me.

The Town Called Selfishess

Inspired by the emotions of the moment, since this is the only way I can say what's on my mind without saying what's on my mind.

I don't even know if what follows makes sense. I didn't reread it. I'll try to read it tomorrow morning before I head out to work --

-----

Long inhale, short release
Screaming, trying to find our peace
In the cacophony that splits our ears
Our minds, our hearts, brings forth our fears
Floods our eyes with tears that blur
The lines of faces, reality. Anger stirs
From years of puffy eyes and aching breasts
Trying so hard, but not good enough yet
Or ever. Loving, leaving, loving, leaving
Half-truths to find the truth, leads to deceiving
Cycle of pointing fingers never ending
Praying for strength, transcending
Those fingers pointing in all directions,
especially in this one.

Blood runs so red, the crimson stains
Our outward stretched fingertips, reaching despite the rain
That steadily washes away the foundations set
By the dreams and wishes and hopes. Forget
All those dreams and replenish the vermilion pond
Filled with depression, accusations, guilt. Respond
Not to those reaching palms and slap back
The soft touches, warm lips that hold, trap
Keep back the doubts, worries, pain and lead
Us back to a place that lays between Denial and Greed,
where Greed is another name for the destination known as
Selfishness.

The monster that lives there that makes the weak hold on
To that which should be released - Let go! So dawn
Can come to the darkened land we have built for
Our own with the Love and Pain that can come only through doors
Built by two who want nothing more than to make the other
Happy. Two who want nothing less than everything good to cover
The World that was supposed to be Theirs. And failed
At doing all that they had intended, building trails
That wound round and round and ended up at Dead Ends
Both fighting hard not to end up in the Town of Friends
The Selfish monster who refuses to release us from its grip
Laughs at we who fell, who stumbled, who tripped.
But truly, despite the bruises, cuts, and bleeding hearts,
The failure at which Selfishness laughs was not complete, just parts.
Because the two succeeded at one thing that it could not attack.
Loving.
Each other.
Forever.
And saying goodbye...
But staying together...

11.04.01 - 11.09.08
Sayonara.

/me.

Holding Back Dreams - Part II

Did I ever tell you what my dreams were?

I wanted to be an artist. Of any kind. I wanted to draw. To create. To design. To do something that wasn't along the lines of a young urban professional. That was my first and foremost dream.

When I was young, I was a state sponsored Honolulu Academy of Arts student. I went to weekly art classes, free of charge. I guess my teachers saw something special in me in terms of creativity. I was working toward my dreams.

What happened?

One day, I drew something of which I was really proud. The average artist is rarely satisfied with their own work -- so to say that I was proud of it is to say quite a bit. I showed it to a particular member of my family.

And they said it sucked. They asked me why I was even drawing. It would never amount to anything. It wouldn't pay my bills.

That day, I threw away every piece of art I had ever done. I put away my crayons, pencils, and cray-paas. And I have never done a serious piece of work since then. Doodles don't count.

And I moved on.

I picked up music. I was a percussionist in band. And at my peak, I was considered the 3rd best mallet player (xylophone, marimba, vibraphone, etc.) in the state. Playing music was wonderful. It moved me. I imagined continuing to take music through college and eventually play for the symphony or ... broadway shows... or something.

What happened?

I was told that I have to quit band. Quit playing music. Why? Because my brothers wanted to play baseball and soccer. And I needed to take care of them. I needed to go to every practice. Every game. It doesnt matter that no one in my family came to my practices, games, concerts. My brothers needed me, or so I was told.

So I quit band. I put away my mallets for good. Never to touch them again. And I threw myself into my brothers' lives. I joined the PTA so that I could take a more active role in what their school was doing for them. But because I was young, my opinion wasn't taken seriously. And eventually, my brothers quit soccer. Quit baseball. And I was left with not much, in terms of dreams.

Then I started dating Yoshi. And I dreamed of being with him forever. And marrying him. And making a life with him. Four years later, we were broken up. I was laying on the floor each night, sobbing my heart out. I'd lost my final dream.

And now we're together again. But I'm not dreaming anymore.

And I don't think I want to dream anymore.

It's not worth the piece of yourself that you lose when you give up on that dream.

/me.

Holding Back Dreams

A friend of mine recently had to make a decision of huge importance -- whether to stay with his girlfriend or pursue his life-long dream of becoming a tattoo artist. His sister, his ex-gf and I pushed him to "ditch the bitch," so to speak, and follow his path to greatness.

In my mind, I was appalled that she would even consider asking him to choose her or his dream, because to me, if you love someone, it is your place to push them toward their dreams. Even if their goal is not one that is particularly savory or important to you.

In the end, he took our advice. He approached his gf, told her he wanted to continue pursuing tattooing... and she conceded and realized that she was stupid and selfish for having asked him to choose in the first place.

Victory. He got love and dreams in one fell swoop.

Yoshi has always pushed me to be more than I am. He so wants my business to take off and I know he gets frustrated when I don't work on it. But to me, I get frustrated BECAUSE he's pushing me -- when he should be pushing himself.

He's always wanted to sing. To be a singer. In Asia, specifically. And I honestly, truly believe that he can do it. And it pisses me off since I've found so many opportunities for him to move closer to his dream. When I lived in Japan, I had a friend who was following his dream to be a jazz singer/songwriter. He is still pursuing that dream and had offered, at the time, to help me send out Yoshi's demos, since he already had all the connections.

Yoshi never gave me a demo.

In more recent years, Yoshi has had the opportunity to sing in front of Sony executives with ties in the music industry. They heard his voice. Loved it. And told him to submit a demo. We never gave them a demo.

And today, when I talked to him about it -- I found out part of the reason why he hasn't moved forward with his dream. Because if he does, he won't be able to give me the attention that I need.

Admittedly, I'm an attention whore when it comes to relationships. I'm needy. (Totally shitty realization when it hit me.) I think that in so many situations, I've found myself being put on a back-burner when compared to other things, that now, I demand being number one. I need to be the most important thing in my significant other's life. Because, no matter what I'm doing, I try to make it a point that THEY be the most important thing in MY life.

And when I'm put on the side -- even if they don't mean to put me there -- I feel it acutely. And I begin the self-hate thing. Totally unhealthy, I know. It's the years of being told "you're not good enough" and being put on the sidelines within my own family, I'm sure, that makes me the needy thing I am.

So then it hit me. I'm holding him back.

He always said he was holding me back from realizing my dreams. But he asked me today,"what is your dream?" And my answer? "I don't really have one anymore." And it's true. I don't. So obviously, he's not holding me back from anything.

So it made me think about my friend's dilemma. Girlfriend? Or dream? The difference is, that she was making him choose, hoping that he'd choose her. In this case, because I love him, I want him to choose his dream. Even though it'd suck to be me when that day comes because I know that I'd be losing him.

I realized today, while we were having that conversation, that it was almost like asking him to leave me.

Of course, that wasn't my intent. I fought so hard to be with him. I've been fighting for the last 7 years to keep him. And I wouldn't have fought so hard if only to have him leave me again.

But I believe his dream is... right.... there. And the only thing standing in the way... is me.

I guess it's a subject we'll deal with when he returns from Kuwait. He'll be back on the island in 18 days. It'll be good to have him home again.

I wonder if, in the end, home = with me... or on the road.

/me.

Stress

For quite a while now, I've been really stressed for various reasons. I've mentioned some of the different sources of that stress in previous blogs, but in the last few weeks, the stress seems to have truly compounded -- causing, in essence, a not-quite-as-genki, rather-sit-in-the-corner-and-not-interact, don't-wanna-go-out kind of me.

My self-confidence has plummeted (again -- ha!) and what I originally thought to be some kind of cold or bug has actually turned out to be stress-induced coughing, accompanied by untimely spotting, some kind of weird rash thing on my torso and lack of appetite.

I don't feel the urge to do anything, except for maybe sleep -- and I haven't had a good night's rest since... I actually can't tell you when.

I force myself to eat at least once a day, not because I'm hungry but because I know I need the sustenance. But no longer am I eating healthy. Instead, I'm eating what's easy -- which is rarely ever good for me.

I don't work out, which is setting me back in the Muffin Wars. Total, I've lost like 20 lbs and I've at least another 10 to go before I'm satisfied. But in the not exercising and the not eating (or not eating healthily) I've begun losing the muscle mass I'd gained and have begun regaining the fats.

And while I can't tell you here what has been the main root of my problems -- let's just say that whatever it is has severely affected my self-confidence in other areas as well and left me completely unmotivated.

And there's always the issue of who I can trust and who is a wolf in sheep's clothing.

I've been very lucky in that I have many who know I've been stressed and who worry about me and want to help in what ways they can to alleviate what stress I have. I appreciate it, even if I don't seem as though I do. I'm very much aware that some of you have gone out of your way to try to take care of me and I love you for it.

The universe is out to protect me, probably as much from myself as from the things that seek to cause pain and unhappiness. Lately, Buddhas and protective amulets keep finding their way to my side -- many in the form of gifts and some in the form of circumstance. If you've given me anything to try and help me -- bracelets, amulets, cards, hugs, prayers, massages -- it has helped. I'm not completely self-destructive and that, let's just say, is an amazing thing, because there was a time in the past where I would have easily taken a knife to my skin to "alleviate the pain." I think the praying and chanting I've been doing also helps me to stay sane and realize that this isn't that bad. I know it's not.

Yesterday, I bought myself an amulet of sorts and I pray that it's a sign that things are to get better.

In 2001, a Wiccan friend of mine gave me an unshaped piece of black jade wrapped in silver wire that served as my protective amulet while I traveled. She imbued it with all her love for me and her wish to keep me safe. I wore it as a pendant for a few years, never taking it off. In 2003, the pendant disappeared. It just fell off one day, leaving the silver chain around my neck. I guess its work was done, but I've always felt funny that it was no longer with me.

Since then, I've been looking for black jade. Ask anyone who knows and they will tell you it's nearly impossible to find. Many will say that they've not seen anything made of black jade in years. Over the last 5 years, whenever was appropriate, I'd look. And so would my mom. And my dad. And we've never found any. (Well, I found some on the Net, but wasn't sure if I could trust the source.) Anyway, yesterday, when I was out with my sister and my dad... I found black jade. In the form of a pendant. In the shape of a happy Buddha.

And with the help of my family, I bought it (since I didn't have the cash on me to buy it myself). According to the woman from whom it was purchased, her mom brought it over from Hong Kong 10 years ago. And it was the only black jade one she had. And I guess it was waiting for me.

So, at least that's one positive turn. Surely, a needed one. It would be great if the Universe could send a few another positive things my way. I mean, I guess it has... but it's all stuff for the future. Nothing for the present.

I guess I just have to be patient.

/me.

P.S. Congratulations to Leah on her engagement to Mark. I love you both and will try my best to make it to Atlanta next year to be by your side. I miss you and send alll the love I can to you and to Mark and to One-Two and Three-Four and your parents and Kyle and Bubbie and your weird grandpa with the dented head. I love you!

Check out their site: http://www.leahandmark.com