Unreliable

As is typical, it's been months since I've last blogged. And as is typical, I'm going to skip over the details of most of my existence to blog about one specific topic.

This time? Being unreliable.

A few years ago, someone I was dating told me that I was unreliable, that he couldn't count on me. I was hurt since I feel as though I go out of my way for the people I care about -- and I liked to think that most of the time, I did so without expectation of reciprocation.

At the time, I was working 18-hour days and had an unpredictable schedule -- I never knew if I had to work until the day prior. And when I did know I was free, I let him know.

But this made me unreliable because I couldn't confirm anything until absolutely last minute.

I thought he was being unfair because it was a situation I couldn't really control. I felt like I was already doing everything I could to be there for him... and that he wasn't making the effort on his side to understand that.

But lately, I feel like I've started to WANT some kind of reciprocation -- some effort from the other side. I've realized that I have a ton of really uneven relationships. Relationships where I feel I put in the effort -- I try -- but there's no effort from the other party, or minimal effort at best. Or relationships where I seem to be at someone's beck and call, or they're present at their convenience.

I mean, I know I'm horrible at asking for help. But there really are some situations where asking isn't warranted, since there would be no reason to ask for help if the person had come through to begin with. I want the people around me to stop being unreliable. I want to know that if I need them, they'll be there. Or that they won't put me in a situation where I'd need to seek outside help.

On top of that, I want to know that the sacrifices I make for people are appreciated. That they keep me in mind the same way that I keep them in mind. That I'm not being taken advantage of.

And I think lately, I've been too giving. I need to take better care of myself -- and ask that the people around me take better care of me, too.

My Mommy told me recently that one of her fears is that I'll never find someone who will take care of me. She feels like I'll always be the one taking care of the other person in any relationship. Heck, even with family -- I tend to be the one taking care of the others. I don't even rely on the members of my family to be there for me. I try to do it on my own -- because there's been one too many times where they didn't come through for me. And I'm over it.

I'm over people not being there for me. Or not coming through. Or not appreciating. Or not realizing that I'm not going to be here forever -- just as long as I can stand to be. Just as long that I feel that this is all worth it.

I guess that does make me unreliable, doesn't it? Since I can't guarantee that I'll always be here. Just as long as I can stand it...

Damn.

/me.

Birthday Apologies

My birthday was yesterday, February 28. I am now 27 years old and am certainly feeling older than I was.

Last night, I experienced something I had never experienced before -- and apparently, in the experience, I upset some of my friends and people I care about.

I have always said that I don't get drunk. Almost everyone who has ever partied with me knows this -- and most people will vouch for me, as I can generally go drink for drink with them.

But I guess I was wrong, because last night, I was not well. Maybe it was the mixing of alcohol types, maybe it's that last week I only slept a total of 7 hours and so my system was weak, but whatever it was, I experienced what everyone else has been talking about. And I didn't like it.

And in my first REAL omg-I-drank-so-much-that-I'm-sick experience, which was quite embarrassing, I found that I hurt some of the people who attended. (I did get sick recently once before this -- but I wasn't drunk. I just didn't feel well in general... this time, I was completely gone.)

It came across that I didn't care people had come to celebrate with me because I often wasn't in the party room with everyone. I stayed outside of the room for the majority of the time... either sleeping at the table outside, sitting on the bathroom floor, and for a time, was in another room altogether as a friend of mine was having a going-away party since he flew out today to move to the mainland, never to return. I also worried people and inconvenienced those who decided to take it upon themselves to take care of me.

I want people to know that I did appreciated that you were there to celebrate with me. And that I'm sorry for my non-presence, both physically and mentally.

There is no excuse in what is or isn't done when under the influence, even though what's said and done isn't in right mind. So, I will not make excuses for anything I did or didn't do that may have upset my friends and loved ones.

Instead, I'm just going to say I'm sorry for upsetting, worrying, hurting you and I love you.

/me.

Sacrifice

It's been nearly 3 months since I last blogged. Needless to say, my world hasn't stopped moving -- it's still spinning out of control.

Changes and challenges, irritations and frustrations.

Most recently, what's been hard for me is the change to that which I cling to -- my freedom.

For the last 9 years, I've not lived with my family. I've lived abroad, in dorms, with friends, with significant others... as I've mentioned on multiple occasions, as much as I love my family, being in close-proximity with them is unhealthy for me. The freedom and mobility that I didn't have when I was younger is something I value above many things now -- and I was asked at the end of December to give much of that up.

My grandmother on my dad's side, on Christmas Eve, fell. She, until then, with the exception of taking a reaaaaally long time to walk anywhere due to Arthritis-ravaged knees, was still rather sprite and active. She drove. Went to weekly water exercise classes. Cooked. Whatever.

The fall was the beginning of a significant downturn in her mobility and she is now bed-ridden. As such, she needs 24-hour care -- she needs diapers and bed-baths. She needs to care-taking. And unfortunately, our family cannot afford to have outside help significant enough to not truly disrupt our schedules... so my dad asked me to move in and help.

Give up my apartment. Give up going out. Give up freedom. In exchange for a curfew, zero privacy, and no sleep.

I didn't jump at the opportunity. I said yes because I have a sense of familial obligation... and because I knew I didn't have much choice in the matter since we're financially unable to hire the help for the number of hours I am expected to cover.

So, I moved out of my apartment of 4 years and into my grandmother's house in Manoa. And I try to be home by 10 pm, daily, so that I can take care of her evening needs. And I wake up several times throughout the night to check on her. And the only other person who is making any kind of significant sacrifice is my dad -- who, at this point, has it worse off than I do in terms of lack of freedom.

And you know what? It sucks and it isn't fair for any of us involved (dad, grandma, or me).

Grandma deserves the best care possible -- not whatever it is her tired son and selfish granddaughter can provide. Daddy deserves to SLEEP -- he works overnight and has to be awake throughout the day to give her lunch/dinner and meet with the care-people who visit. And honestly, I think I deserve to play.

I've always tried never to be jealous of my friends, but as of late, I find that I get more and more upset when I look at their lives compared to mine. Many of them have honestly had it easy (at least through my eyes) -- they are well-off or have rarely had to struggle financially for anything as their families can provide for them. Heck some of them don't work. And many haven't really had to sacrifice... ever.

And while my life isn't horrible at all -- especially when I think of all the people in the world who know nothing of the luxuries that I have -- I still get jealous that it seems like I've worked so much harder than so many people and yet, I keep struggling and keep having to sacrifice.

My dad understands that I need any possible shred of freedom I can get my claws on and he pays for someone to come in a few times a month so that I can go out with friends and forget for a bit. I wish I could give him that same courtesy.

But frankly, I'm tired and frustrated with it all.
And it's only been a month and a half.
And I keep asking myself...

How much longer do we have to do this?

My grandma is healthy, short of the lack of mobility. No eating restrictions. No mental health issues. Nothing. She'll be 90 later this year and she could live another 10 years!

But I can't last 10 years doing this.
I don't know if I could even last one.

But... with no other obvious outs...

/me.

Everything Changes

My world is changing at a million miles a minute and I'm trying my best to keep up.

As many of you know, Yoshi and I are no longer together. It's complicated and despite what his blogs may say, the hurtfulness and "wrong-doing" goes in both directions. There is no one person to blame, although in many ways, I do believe a lot of what's happened is my fault. Of course, he would say otherwise.

We're still trying to maintain some kind of relationship. Right now it's a strange muddle of "we're 'friends'" and "i still care for you" and "rawr, death!"

In 2004, we bought a car together: a black, 2004 VW Jetta that we named Kuro-chan. Only recently did we pay off the loan. To be honest, he paid for the majority of it as I always took care of the rent, so when we split up, I said I felt best if he took the car. So, currently, I am rideless save for a little red bicycle that I use to go to work and to the grocery store down the street. I didn't think having no car would be too bad -- enter economy-driven changes at work.

The Honolulu Advertiser recently went through another series of early buyouts, lay offs, departmental realignments and they're now eying up significant pay cuts. I'm lucky to still be there, considering how many people are no longer with the company. This last bit of departmental restructuring affected my position as Online Coordinator and I will be moving into a Digital Media Sales role to help drive revenue. The change is effective immediately and will actually be a good opportunity for me in terms of my financial situation (of course, assuming that the proposed pay cuts do not come to fruition). However, to use a phrase that my friend Vraxx always uses, "the gotcha is..." that in order for me to do this job -- I need to have a car.

Did I just say that I need a car and I currently don't have one due to my personal relationship issues? Did I just say that this change is effective immediately?

*blink* Uh-oh.

So now, I'm on a car search. Gotta spend money to make money, right? And I think I found one that I like. Now it's just a matter of qualifying for a loan and convincing the dealership that they love me enough to give me a really great deal on the car. Thankfully, my year and some change of working closely with the various dealerships on the island via being the local Cars.com technical support contact may aid me in this.

But I need to buy a car... now.

Furthermore, with all the changes at work, plus the uncertainty of more imminent layoffs and a possible pay cut of 31.5% looming over us, it make for some very unhappy coworkers and sometimes, an extremely stressful and frustrating work environment.

Emotional stress. Work stress. Financial stress. Not happy.

I know that what I need to do is roll with the punches and move forward. I know that 我慢するしかない。頑張るしかない。But I think I'm actually having a hard time of all the changes. And as is typical of me, I'm not good at seeking help. I'd rather withdraw and stew a bit and give myself time to process all the issues at hand -- then force myself to accept and move forward.

But first, I need to get used to the fact that I'm still standing still while everything else in the world is changing.

Then once everything stops spinning, I can try to catch up with the rest of the world.

/me.

The Town Called Selfishess

Inspired by the emotions of the moment, since this is the only way I can say what's on my mind without saying what's on my mind.

I don't even know if what follows makes sense. I didn't reread it. I'll try to read it tomorrow morning before I head out to work --

-----

Long inhale, short release
Screaming, trying to find our peace
In the cacophony that splits our ears
Our minds, our hearts, brings forth our fears
Floods our eyes with tears that blur
The lines of faces, reality. Anger stirs
From years of puffy eyes and aching breasts
Trying so hard, but not good enough yet
Or ever. Loving, leaving, loving, leaving
Half-truths to find the truth, leads to deceiving
Cycle of pointing fingers never ending
Praying for strength, transcending
Those fingers pointing in all directions,
especially in this one.

Blood runs so red, the crimson stains
Our outward stretched fingertips, reaching despite the rain
That steadily washes away the foundations set
By the dreams and wishes and hopes. Forget
All those dreams and replenish the vermilion pond
Filled with depression, accusations, guilt. Respond
Not to those reaching palms and slap back
The soft touches, warm lips that hold, trap
Keep back the doubts, worries, pain and lead
Us back to a place that lays between Denial and Greed,
where Greed is another name for the destination known as
Selfishness.

The monster that lives there that makes the weak hold on
To that which should be released - Let go! So dawn
Can come to the darkened land we have built for
Our own with the Love and Pain that can come only through doors
Built by two who want nothing more than to make the other
Happy. Two who want nothing less than everything good to cover
The World that was supposed to be Theirs. And failed
At doing all that they had intended, building trails
That wound round and round and ended up at Dead Ends
Both fighting hard not to end up in the Town of Friends
The Selfish monster who refuses to release us from its grip
Laughs at we who fell, who stumbled, who tripped.
But truly, despite the bruises, cuts, and bleeding hearts,
The failure at which Selfishness laughs was not complete, just parts.
Because the two succeeded at one thing that it could not attack.
Loving.
Each other.
Forever.
And saying goodbye...
But staying together...

11.04.01 - 11.09.08
Sayonara.

/me.

Silence

Inevitably, when there's a long hiatus between postings, something's amiss. It's rare that I choose not to blog simply because nothing's happening. That's not how my life works. Something's ALWAYS happening, whether I like it or not.

Generally speaking, whether it be personal, professional, or whatever -- long breaks between blogging mean that something is happening that I can't really discuss in a public forum. Not necessarily "can't." Sometimes it's "won't." Other times, tis "not ready to."

This is all of those times. Actually, the past several months has been "one of those times" at every point along the way.

I won't go into detail. It's not always good to air one's dirty laundry. Let's just say that I'm really good at making mistakes when I should know better. I'm good at hurting people I care for, sometimes knowingly and sometimes not. As selfless as I like to think myself to be, I'm selfish. I want what I want -- and while I often will sacrifice my wants for the needs and wants of others... sometimes, enough's enough, and I take what I want for my own. Or, at least, I try to...

What do I want?

Heh. 自分自身も知りたいな～。

I guess the blanket answer to that question is happiness. Tis a cop out response, I know.

I guess happiness is pretty relative and certainly, I've been at lower lows. I just need to make a decision about how I want to achieve and/or receive the thing that I want. That happiness thing.

But I can I make the right decisions? Or should I just remain silent and see what comes?

/me.

P.S. Twitter is stupidly addicting. Check me out at http://www.twitter.com/monchalee

P.P.S. I came across a poem that I wrote on 05.22.06. It was in response to a poem that a friend of mine wrote about friendship. I shall post my friend's and then my response.

Friend's Poem: Oasis

Tired wanderer, scorching desert: Crying, burned, jaded, worn
Wounded heart, pain and hurt: Come to me, bruised and torn

Desert oasis, illusion not: Comfort, healing, mending, rest
Recover from life's battle's fought: Water clear, refreshing, zest

Friendship deep, forgiving, pure: Tested by life's desert heat
Standing strong, whole, and sure: Drink stranger, take a seat

Once a wanderer, now a friend: One more drop in the oasis
Will another come along: Different hearts, many faces

Oasis in the desert sands: Shelter from life's toughest wrath
Healing hearts, healing hands: Friendship found on journey's path

My Response: Mirage

A barren desert, hot and dry
With little life and shelter none
A stranger comes, wandering lost
Parched and baked by blazing sun
Sees shimmering water, blessed hope
Crawls toward the distance, cross the dunes
Reaches living, lush Oasis
Can't believe that this is true
Reaches down with dirty hands
To take a sip of cooling life
And finds, instead, a mouth of sand
A mirage -- an illusionary knife.

-----

I guess that says a lot about me and my experiences, huh? Oh well.

Virtual Predators

I've never had a problem meeting in real life the people that I've met or known virtually. I tend to spend a lot of time online -- I have since the advent of affordable dial-up. And despite the dangers, I find that I tend to "trust" personalities of a digital nature.

One of my old bosses, Joy, never understood why I could "make friends" online so easily. Neither did she understand why I would choose to blog. To her, it's dangerous. To her, there's no privacy. I've always written her paranoia up as "Generation Gap."

I find that so many people find that hiding behind a computer screen makes them brave -- and brutally honest. And because I think that I'm generally that way, with or without said computer screen, I tend to respect the people on the other side.

I've been lucky in that the majority of people I've met in person have been exactly as they were online. Or at least close enough. With the exception of a stalker or two, I've managed to make some really good virtual friends. Heck, I even met Yoshi online back in the days before Yahoo! owned Geocities. And because I'm a fighter (or something like that), I have managed to finagle my way out of potentially bad situations.

Over the past half year or so, I've made friends with a sweetheart named Rumi. We met online through http://www.mixi.jp, a Japanese social network site much like MySpace. She contacted me and said she planned to come to Hawaii and wanted me to be her friend. She was traveling alone and wanted to have someone local with whom she could hang out. I had no problems with this.

We met up and I took her around a bit. She wasn't here long, but we got on well enough and she posted all about me in her blogs when she returned to Japan. I was her Hawaii sister.

She recently was back in town, again, traveling by herself. And for whatever reason, we had a hard time catching each other. A lot of missed calls. We managed to get together last night for dinner -- she left this morning. And I found out part of the reason why she'd been so hard to get in touch with.

She, like me, makes friends online. And meets them in person. And stays with said virtual people when she visits Hawaii. Last time, she encountered no problems. This time, the person she stayed with was one of those people that everyone warns you about. One of those virtual people that's nothing like they pretend to be.

As an aside, she'd actually met this person face to face in Japan, when they hung out for a week, but the original meeting was via Internet. From what she knew of the guy, he was nice. Trustworthy. Safe.

She came to Hawaii and aside from stealing her money -- he beat the shit out of her. Punched her. Kicked her. Bit her. And she didn't call the cops because she doesn't speak English. And she didn't call her other friends in Hawaii because she didn't know what to say. And so she stayed half a week -- and then ran away when the guy went out one evening.

Rumi told me all this last night -- as we ate her last dinner in Hawaii for this trip. She showed me some of the cuts and bruises she'd accumulated from the experience. She held back tears and said that she had intended never to return to Hawaii -- it's too scary.

And all I could think was about how I couldn't protect her. How I had no idea that someone was hurting her. How vulnerable she was because she didn't know who she could turn to. And how this is exactly what Joy was talking about.

And I hate to admit it -- but the Internet is a scary place. And I have honestly been lucky that something similar has never happened to me.

Does this mean that I'm going to stop blogging? Of course not. Does this mean that I'm going to stop "making friends" with people online? No.

But does it make me scared that maybe I'm setting myself up to get hurt? Does it make me want to tell all my friends to be careful -- because you never know who you're really chatting with? Does it make me want to Google the bastard who hurt Rumi and find out every detail about the jerk, so that I can ... do ... something?

... Rawr. I'm speechless.

It's been said a million times: The virtual world is full of real life predators. I was just too obtuse to see that it was true.

/me.